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Still figuring it out

I'm just 26 years old, some call it young, some say call it "younger".

I am just Alireza, a boy trying to figuring things out. I'm not 16 years old anymore, in that age I wasn't sure about many things but I knew what I wanted, I still do, I still do know what I want but still just like before I'm not sure about many things.

There are many factors that change the outcomes of the life and decision I make. If I go 2 years in future would I change what I would do today ? I'm not sure, because if I go back to 16 I still wouldn't change many decisions I made that time.

I am married now, would I not get married if I knew many things about it that I know now ? Yes, I would get married again.

I'm deep into many decisions and problems these days, all because of what I've decided to do. Would I change any of the decisions if I knew what I know now ? Still would do them.

I still would do many of the things I've done that put me here as a result, I'd just do.

I don't have critical problems or decision that lead to fatal, or maybe I'm not looking at them in that way.

Thing is, I'm just not satisfied with many of the things I've done and doing. It's just I don't know better. It's hard to just do what you know to do and barely anyone else can figure things out for you.

I think it's part of being grown up. Your problems becomes so unique to you that only you can execute the right plan.

When I was a child, mother and father would decide them for me and it was easy even though I might not have been happy with the their decision, but still they would do. Now, father is long gone, mother is not able to keep up with my crazy adventures and I'm so far ahead and I'm simply alone in this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I love to be in control and decide my moves, but this whole "being in control" seems to be a myth, a delusion.

My decisions are simply results of others decisions and there's a long chain of variables getting changed until it's my turn.

I become good
I become soft
I become tame
become calm
-- Shahin Najafi - Aureliano

Alireza Savand • 2018 Oct 31


@RogerCAKT - Thank you for your comment.

I agree, you laid it down very nicely, the chaos is a form of balance, seeing the pattern in the chaos seems to be the balance.

I'm just one of the cycles, one of the effects of that butterfly.

> "being in control is a myth and illusion, but thinking it isn't helps sometimes."

That is true, it makes me more relieved.

Thank you for your great comment, I appreciate every word of it.

Alireza - when I was 26, I was in my first "real" job, my Father died that year, I did not have the faintest idea where I was going. The numbers are now reversed, and I am in my 62nd year, but I have a better idea of where I am going.

The fact of "life" is that it is a big "IF" with L at the beginning, and E at the end. Fact also is that nobody, no entity, no organisation, not even a well-written program, is ever really in control (and thank goodness it isn't). Chaos runs the universe but, most of the time, the chaos is in a form of balance which we like to consider "control". Remember that the fluttering of a butterfly's wings could cause a supernova in a different galaxy, believe in yourself, believe in what you are doing and "Stay Calm and Carry On".

Good luck.
PS being in control is a myth and illusion, but thinking it isn't helps sometimes.